If you’re unhappy with something, you change it. But what if you can’t change it? Then what? To save your sanity, you change the way you think about it.
I’ve worked with hundreds of different personalities through the years. Some easy, some challenging. But that’s what makes an effective leader. Learning to adapt and work with each personality, what drives them, motivates them, how they tick…because after all, the beauty of the world is it’s diversity.
Personally, same things, right? There are things that will drive you nuts that are out of your control. You can continue to be affected or address it. Some things, however, just can’t be changed, or won’t be…and then you have to change yourself into a different approach.
I work with two very different personalities. In fairness, the three of us are all very different in our skill set and approach to things. We are all very good at our jobs, completing tasks, mapping out plans, completing documents and so on. On the outside, we look like a well oiled machine. Internally, we drive each other nearly mad at times. Why? Because we all have a different and unique approach to things. None of them wrong, either.
Many, many years ago, I was showing someone my house and she said to me, “You make your bed wrong.” What?! I asked her to explain and she said because my pillow cases face inwards as opposed to out. I responded that I put my open ends inside so that the finished edge was at the outside of the bed; a cleaner look. Now, because I do it differently, does that mean I’m wrong? Not at all.
Just because something doesn’t get done the same way you’d complete it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. If it takes someone ten steps with something you can do in five, certainly try to teach your ways, but sometimes that’s just how we work. Some of us make three lefts to go right. Who cares as long as we arrive at the same place?
You are in control of more than you realize. It’s just how you handle it that may be different.
On trips to meetings, my car pool crew and I would just randomly pull off to see something. I’d just yell out “life pause” and we would go check out some scenery and get out of the car to get some fresh air. This doesn’t have to just be on long commutes, we’ve been known to pause whenever the mood strikes.
This led to sharing snap chats of the ocean, sun rises, sunsets, pet moments, fields of green, filled coffee cups…whatever. You get the idea. The mission was to just take a moment to appreciate that moment. Be aware and be grateful. We would celebrate each others time to pause and it would set as a reminder to take a moment for ourselves. It can be as easy as focusing on something around you that has brought you joy…you don’t have to go anywhere.
Our days are so full of stuff. Sometimes its important to recognize the difference of being busy and being productive. Anyone can fill their days to be ‘busy’, but how much of that is productivity? How much of the busy buzz is bringing you closer to your goals? In the development of this rushed society, we are compelled to have full days..but full of what, exactly?
Social media. Instant gratification. Amazon. Uber. Apple. Things have changed us and how we do things. They’ve also changed how we treat each other, how we connect and how we see ourselves and others.
Take a step back. Take a pause. What’s the rush?
I remember years ago, when Shane was a toddler, we were in the lawn and he was looking and touching the grass. I noticed that there were so many shades of green. Some blades had different texture. With the sun shining and basking in the happiness of the lawn, we had no where to go. Why was this the first time I’d noticed the grass like this? Because I’d paused to take a look.
When my commute was different, I’d stop on a bridge and take a pic of the sunrise several days in a week. It was a highway, but it was early…still doesn’t mean I should be pulling over to the shoulder of the road, get out of my car and take some photos. But I did. One morning on my pause, a police officer pulled up. I’d turned and he said, “so worth it, right?”. And it was. I appreciated his understanding and he stayed in his car taking his own photo before pulling away with a “be safe”. He got it. And in a job where you run into danger, I’d imagine he was also very appreciative of these stolen, quiet moments.
You don’t have to be in a high stress job, or have too many mouths to feed…there’s no stipulation on what should be stressful to you. Everyones lost a loved one, everyone has their strife. Take the pause.
Time is the one thing that you give and that you can not get back. Time is the one thing that everyone has in common, however, it’s used is entirely differently. Twenty four hours. Every damn day. 1440 minutes. That’s it. Then it’s gone…what you don’t use isn’t carried over, you can’t book it ahead…it’s just gone.
I don’t take commitments lightly. If we have an appointment, I’d like it to start at the scheduled time. When we have meetings at work, I start them promptly. “We are waiting on this person to show…”, they can get the notes of what was missed. After all, if everyone else that showed up for the meeting is present, why am I making them wait for one or two?
Why are some people chronically late? How are they not bothered by it?
Doctors, spa and other appointments, same rules apply. Why make an appointment, confirm said appointment and then I’m in the waiting room for an extended period of time? I do not get that and it’s something that seriously bothers me. Of course, I understand that things happen, but we both know that certain places you are always waiting…Jerry Seinfeld had a whole bit about reservations and making them versus honoring them. It’s so true.
In one of the businesses I frequent, they have a nine minute late policy. If you are late by nine minutes, it’s an automatic rescheduling of your appointment. They stick to it, too. So imagine their shock as I sat in their waiting area and as my valuable time ticked by, I’d spoken up. “I see it’s nine minutes into my appointment time, so now what?” The situation was reversed and now I’m holding them to the same standard. I was met with, “She will be right with you.” I continued to press. I just stated, “So what’s the recourse? I’m abiding by your own nine minute rule and here and now at eleven minutes of waiting, what’s the solution?” They laughed uncomfortably and I am sure they don’t deal with it often, but with a gentle approach, I wanted my point to get across. Why is it ok for the client to be rescheduled when it’s their fault but at the fault of the business, it’s just disregarded?
What’s being communicated at the time of the tardiness is ‘my time is more valuable than yours.’ As we have established, those precious minutes of waiting are gone forever.
I’m not perfect by a long shot. I have run late. I’ve decided to stop somewhere when I’d not allowed enough time to get the stop completed and to my destination early. I’ve waited until the morning to get gas (you know you’ve done that) and maybe I’ve hit snooze. But it’s rare. I’m very cognizant of other peoples time and what they are giving up for me. It’s appreciated.
Next time you have plans to meet up with friends, be there five minutes before you are supposed to meet. I’m sure someone will already be waiting to greet you. The next work meeting, don’t be the last one to get there, rushing in with an excuse that no one listens to.
That is a book, one of my faves, and if you haven’t read it, you may find some enjoyment from it. The book is all kinds of passages and short stories about the general lessons that we learn at a very young age and truthfully, those lessons can and should carry us through our lifetime. But they don’t. Why?
Be nice.
Why is this lesson so difficult? The saying goes that the only honest people are young kids and drunks, and that is why kids have to be taught to be nice. They learn how to think before speaking eventually; they learn how to pause. As adults, (unless drunk and without your filter on as we’ve established) we need to be reminded of this. We find it difficult to treat others the way we would like to be treated. How does this happen? Why does this happen?
If you made a mistake, would it be acceptable for someone to call you names and berate them? Then why do we do this to retail workers?
Why, if someone is sitting at a traffic light and for the first nano second of it turning green, they don’t begin to move, they are instantly an asshole and flipped off and horn blown? Why do we so instantly get enraged over something so minuscule?
If your credit card declines, why become insubordinate to the very person alerting you and trying to get it sorted out? Why does it become their problem?
When did we become so entitled? When did we become so angry?
Since when do we blame others for our bad mood/day/week/whatever?
We learned it in kindergarten. Be nice. Be the change you want to see in the world. People will often think that they can’t change the world; they are just one person. Strike that. You CAN change the world. If that seems too much to tackle, change the world to somebody…THAT is something we can all do daily. It starts with just being nice.
There are many amazing facts about the sea turtle. Their bodies, their habitats, mating rituals and migration. My favorite fact is the sea turtles physical inability to look back. I think we can learn a lot from this practice.
It’s important to glance back from time to time to see how far you’ve come. It can sharpen your focus to where you want to be, what you’d like to change. Reminiscing can certainly put a point on the here and now.
It’s a nice place to visit, but you don’t want to live there.
You’ve been there. You’ve done it. It’s time to move on to what’s next.
Like Winne the Pooh said, “The past is history, the future a mystery and the present is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” He’s a Taoist. He goes with the flow. He lives in the here and now.
The past doesn’t have to define you. It’s what helped shape you. It’s how you decided to handle it that has brought you to today. There’s really no reason to continue to look back and wonder what if… you made your choice and today is the outcome.
Isn’t it better to just look ahead? See all that is before you and search the world of possibilities and place your energy into what you want now. It doesn’t matter what you could’ve done, for whatever reason you chose not to do it then…doesn’t mean that you can’t do it now.
Be more like the sea turtle. Look ahead. Move towards what you want. And if you want to look back, realize that you have to move in a circle to do so and that it will only take you longer to get to where you want to go today.
It’s the Golden Rule right? Treat others the way you’d like to be treated. I’ve prided myself on that. Funny however, that in both business and personal, I’ve been taken for a fool. Well, attempted anyway. Joke was actually on them.
I’d been with Orangetheory Fitness a few months and our studio was recently opened at this time. Post construction we needed a deep clean, and Ned had been using a cleaning crew in the New Providence location. That location is every bit of 50 minutes from our Middletown location. Ned wasn’t sure these guys would come down here, but he’d assured me what a ‘great guy’ he was and that he’d talk with him. Not knowing a lot of people in the Middletown area and Ned not having full trust in me yet, I left it to him.
Now, talking about kindness; Ned is probably one of the nicest guys you can meet. Sees the good in everyone. The man totally gives everyone he meets the benefit of the doubt. Personally, this is amazing. In business, however, well…you’ll see…
The cleaning crew did our post construction clean up as agreed and through negotiations with Ned, had taken the job to clean our studio weekly. These studios are no easy task; we have a wall of glass that needs to be cleaned on both sides and three walls of mirrors…every thing shows if it’s not done correctly. This is in addition to the regular bathrooms, showers, floors, shelves, equipment, and treadmills that generate a tremendous amount of dust in and around them. Being in a studio, like a gym, there’s DNA everywhere also. The number one reason that people leave gyms/fitness places is lack of cleanliness. Ned was confident that these guys were going to take care of him, after all, they’d been ‘his guys’ since New Providence opened.
Well, I didn’t see it that way. Hell, Ray Charles could see these guys were taking full advantage of Ned.
I was totally underwhelmed by their efforts and truly disappointed to come in and see that things weren’t touched, glass was spot cleaned and not done in its entirety, and so on. If I have to ask if the cleaners have been here, it’s a problem.
And that line was the subject of my email to them.
Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on Pexels.com
After just a few short weeks of being opened and dealing with the sub par cleaning crew; I’d taken it upon myself to address it. After all, that’s what Ned hired me for. To run the business, to deal with the operations, to control costs…and these guys were robbing us clearly; they just weren’t wearing a disguise while doing so.
The email outlined several issues and prior conversations of concerns. It was detailed and professionally written, until the last paragraph….I’d stated, “if you are going to continue to fuck Ned, at least take the man to dinner.”
I hit send.
Not long after, Ned called me. Like a lunatic. I’d not heard Ned raise his voice and I’ll tell you that I was actually scared that I was going to be fired. Ned was pissed. “What is wrong with you?! This guy is a business owner and you send an email saying he’s fucking me?!!? What were you thinking?!?!” He went on and on like this. I’d responded, with full confidence, “He is fucking you, Ned. And you’re paying him for it.” He says to me, “He may quit because he says he can’t work with you.”
“Let him know he’s fired. Because he’s not doing the work you’re paying him for.”
I’m pretty sure at this time Ned thought he may had made a mistake in hiring me. I looked like a loose cannon. I appeared unprofessional. Could I have handled it differently? Yes. Do I look back and wish I had? Not for a fucking second. This guy was a crook and he proved himself. It was awesome.
Ned continued carrying on and said that if I was firing this guy, then we would have to clean the studios ourselves. So we did. We did a much better job than this guy ever did and the studio thrived all while saving thousands of dollars.
It took a while, but I’d earned Neds trust back and he’d seen my determination. He’d also seen my commitment to him, the business and the members. Eventually, we shared some big laughs over this and it’s another story that Ned has told over and over. It could have ended much differently, but I took the risk and it was worth the reward.
They appreciatively refer to me as the Velvet Hammer now. Urban Dictionary says this: The VelvetHammer is a woman leader or professor who can manage with grace and eloquence and still get things done. She is very tough on her underlings, but fair and brilliant.
It’s certainly nice to be appreciated. They know that I’ve got their backs and I know that they have mine. Ned is still the one that is the nicest, and I’m still the one that comes up from behind to handle things. At least he expects it now.
Often times, that’s the standard answer to, “How are you?”, right? It’s basic. It’s common. It’s knee jerk. It’s also probably accurate also.
Fine. Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.
Yep. Most people may actually feel fine. I know I have.
When people ask me how I am, I make a conscious decision to answer uncommonly. I use words like fantastic, awesome, amazing and I mean them when I choose them. Even if I’m less than that, do I believe the server (whomever else) really cares?
“Stressed out, bloated and in need of a drink. You?”
Full transparency, I’ve been known to reply in those ways also…so…
Do I think the server really did care? Of course not. But my reply catches them off guard and brings them to present and away from auto pilot. I like that. I appreciate them being in the moment and I like that they caught themselves in the process. Especially with social media and conveniences of online, manners and eye contact are frequently out the window.
When I reply with an enthusiastic, “Incredible, thank you! How are you?”, it usually causes a double take. They are so used to good/fine/ok that they are already proceeding with their next line. Again, I’m engaging with them and it’s appreciated from them, just as their reaction is appreciated from me.
Consequently, if I tell you that I’m fine. I mean that, too.
After all of these years of anxiety and panic attacks, you would think I’d know the difference. Sadly, the feelings invoked through a panic attack are very similar to a heart attack. In recent years, when I’m woken up by chest pains, it absolutely acerbates the problem for several minutes. Should I call an ambulance or lay here and hope it passes. Where’s that brown bag?!
What’s crazy about anxiety is how it comes out of nowhere. Obviously, subconsciously something is bothering me. Anxiety happens with you think you have to have it all figured out, have all of the answers ready. Anxiety is stems from not as much thinking about the future, but wanting to control it. Now, what was I trying to control at 5 years old?! As I sit here writing this, the answer just came flooding to me. My parents split up. And when Shane was 5 years old, his parents split up. Shane also suffers from anxiety and panic attacks.
Ugh. That hurt a bit to admit.
………………………………………………
I’d been trail running and feeling great! The rain began to fall and I was picking up pace to get out of the woods. Thunder clapped loudly. The rain intensified. As I’m laser focused on getting to my car, my chest hurt. My hands went numb. I’m still running. I’m running to get to my car and crying from the pain and collapse to my knees and wonder if I’m having a heart attack. (You hear it all the time, ‘the guy was running the marathon and collapsed…’, it’s rare you hear about someone pulling out of a drive thru and dying of a heart attack, right?) I’m crying and crawling. It was one of my scarier attacks. Clearly, I’d survived. I’d just panicked.
I was in Florida and checking into the hotel room. Within minutes I’m laying down and opening my Calm app, struggling to breathe. The weather was perfect, the hotel was great, the travel was easy. So WTF?!
This week I was headed to Planet Fitness. It’s in the bottom level of the mall, so there’s an escalator to take you to their entrance (very fit and sensible for a gym, right?). On the escalator I’m struggling to get air. I’m not moving but can’t breathe. And to top it off, I’m wearing my mask as mandated. At the bottom of the escalator, I turn and fold over on the mall floor, unhooking my mask from an ear. My slightly uncomfortable chest pain was now full panic. I pulled myself together in record time, part of out pressure of passers by, partly because I didn’t want my significant other to see me fall apart. He’d not seen that side of me and I wasn’t ready to introduce it now. It took me 50 mins of a 55 min workout to rid myself of the chest pain.
Anxiety and panic disorder are so much more common than anyone knows.
Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it takes true strength to humble yourself to do so.
A few years ago I’d decided to ask for help and find someone to talk to. Imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find anyone….many doctors weren’t taking new patients, some therapists didn’t return my phone calls, many places were just so expensive. So I’d given up and carried on. Just as I am today.
I had a good handle on my anxiety for a long time. I’d learned some skills on how to control it and retrain my brain. Somehow, I’ve regressed.
Like I said, some days I snuggle with my demons. Some days I slay them.
I’m not one to talk about my anxiety. I’m usually not vocal about my panic attacks. It’s only been the past few years I’ve begun to acknowledge it. Truth is, I’ve had it for my lifetime.
When I was five or so, I remember telling my mom “I feel like my face is asleep. It feels like pins and needles in my face.” Each time I had the feeling, I’d tell her. Basically it was met with, ‘wonder why?’. We didn’t know why, and it wasn’t anything alarming enough to follow up with. It was temporary each time and didn’t see to correlate with anything that would be happening at the time.
Not long after that, I’d begun having chest pains. Basically it was as if an anvil was sitting on my chest. Just a heaviness. Again, I’d tell my mom and being so young, it certainly didn’t seem anything medically would be wrong. So we would try different remedies and eventually it would pass. Sometimes a few minutes, other times a few hours. None of it was alarming, until one night…
I’d woken up with chest pain. It felt like there was a monster hand around my heart and it was squeezing it. I was certain I was having a heart attack. But it couldn’t be…I was way too young. I’d been struggling to breathe. Imagine needing air but your mouth and nose are covered in layers of cheesecloth. The pain was so bad that I’d gone to wake my mom. She couldn’t calm me and even when she stated about going to the hospital, I’d welcomed it. I was scared out of my mind.
Time is ticking away. I’m in the waiting room. I’m sweating. My chest hurts. My hands were numb. I can’t breathe. I can breathe, but it’s a freaking challenge to get air. I don’t know how long we waited, but eventually my mom went to the desk demanding I be seen. My face was asleep. I just wanted air.
After a series of questions, exams, x rays and tests, they came back in with an x ray of my lungs. The films weren’t clear as I’d been hyperventilating. I’m suffocating myself.
I’m feeling on the verge of death and the doctor hands me a brown bag to breathe into.
I was so far gone that I was unable to breathe with any kind of control. I’d gotten a valium or something that night and the doctor gave me a supply of brown bags to take home with some instructions. When I feel any symptoms, start to breathe into the bag.
I clearly have heart issues, but you want me to breathe into a lunch sack?! This guy was nuts.
Have you asked questions over and over trying to get the answer you desire? Have you approached the same person asking for help but then not doing the required work? Have you asked the same question to several different sources and continue to take no action?
I’ve known several askholes. In the fitness industry, there’s always questions about how to get leaner, stronger, lose weight…you get it. Now, upon a first meeting, these are conversations and general information gathering. However, after that, when being approached repeatedly, well, things get dicey. There’s a difference of wanting to learn versus looking for the easy way out.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m all for teaching and sharing and learning myself. I actually am guilty of sharing too much and not only shorting myself in my wallet by giving valuable information away, but also overwhelming my audience. So, I do understand that many times this leads to more questions. Again, not a problem. It’s when it becomes the same questions or very similar questions that someone turns into an askhole.
So if you know what to do, then you should do it. If you’re looking to learn something, you should do it. If you need help, you should ask for it.
Gym Girl Dana 