I went to Landmark. For those of you that have heard of it, yes, it’s cultish, but no, I didn’t drink the water provided. If you haven’t heard of Landmark Forum, let me give you a synopsis.
A coworker and now friend came to me and said, “Want to go to Landmark with me?” I’d asked for more information as I’d never heard of it. She went on to share how it’s a self help, good for personal and business kind of seminar that recently one of her family members attended and seemed to get a lot out of it. “Ok. I’m in.” I’d registered that very minute.
Landmark Forum is very interesting. As the registration date nears, you get some additional information, like what to bring and what to expect. They also let you know that you are sequestered in with your seminar group for three days that are each twelve hours long or so. On top of that, there’s homework, so when your day of learning is done, it’s not over because you have another lengthy assignment that is due in less than twelve hours.
Like anything in life, you get out what you put in. Landmark was no different. I wasn’t one to share in front of the entire group, however, I’d done my assignments and shared with my partners as directed. The flow of the seminar lessons is basically dictated by the crowd. You don’t move forward unless everyone understands the lesson. Some lessons take longer than others…you could imagine.
One of my favorite talks was about creating stories. Defining what actually happened versus what you created that happened. This was fascinating. People volunteered to go up and share and talk about job loss, parent shaming, divorce and all kinds of things. After they would share, the leader would ask, “so what really happened?”. The look of bewilderment was on every face every time. “I just told you.” The leader would continue and say, “I want to know the one thing that happened.” ….so let me try to explain. Basically, we blur the lines between what actually happened and create a story of why it happened and how it affects us. Once this lesson was introduced, I was hooked. It becomes easier and easier to realize that facts quickly become fiction and the stories spin quickly and easily.
These stories often happen with our parents. We take the negative reaction of our parent(s) and build a story on that and how it affects us today, without sharing the truth of why that reaction happened in the first place. Make sense? I hope so because it’s a game changer for your behavior and also for dissecting the behavior of others.
The lesson was successfully translated and we were given an assignment to call our parents. We had to call them and acknowledge that we incorrectly blamed them for things in order to not accept responsibility for our own wrong doings. Now, I have a good relationship with my parents, but we certainly aren’t ones to call and have discussions like this. But I was committed to Landmark and committed to the process.
I called my dad first. I was choked up on my words and actually nervous to call my dad. We had a challenging past but one that was behind us and ancient history. When I began talking, my dad, in glaringly honest reply stated, “What the fuck are you talking about?!” “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I was between laughter and tears. We were not the type of family to say ‘love you’ at the end of a call or basically anytime. ( I’d told my grandmother I’d loved her and she replied with ‘ok’. It’s just not who we were). Anyway, I’d gotten the message out and I’d felt good about it and my step mom and I texted afterwards. One, she wanted to ensure I wasn’t in danger as this was so out of the ordinary, and two, to say that my dad definitely had a reaction to the call and that it was sweet to see it.
My mom was next. Now, my mom and I have a relationship that’s more open, but I was still emotional calling her. I’d called and said, “Mom. I know I wasn’t always an easy daughter…” she interrupts, “Um, definitely no you weren’t!” Ok, “So I acknowledge that I was difficult and challenging for you and I’ve blamed you for things that I shouldn’t and I’ve not given you enough credit for all you’ve done for me.” She’s crying. Once again I’m between laughter and tears and she’s between the joy of the phone call and asking why I would come home and shave my head as a teenager. After just a few minutes, we exchanged ‘love you’s and then text messages.
Acknowledging my parents was one of the best things I’d done for them.
Acknowledging my faults, flaws and blame was one of the best things I’d done for me.
When feelings get hurt or things happen that are unexpected, it’s important to look inward first. It’s hard to separate the emotion from the fact, but that’s how stories are created. Stories are created from the emotion that is conjured after the fact of the matter. Things are tough enough without creating more drama.
What’s happened? Because the explanation is much shorter than you think.
Gym Girl Dana 