I’m not one to talk about my anxiety. I’m usually not vocal about my panic attacks. It’s only been the past few years I’ve begun to acknowledge it. Truth is, I’ve had it for my lifetime.
When I was five or so, I remember telling my mom “I feel like my face is asleep. It feels like pins and needles in my face.” Each time I had the feeling, I’d tell her. Basically it was met with, ‘wonder why?’. We didn’t know why, and it wasn’t anything alarming enough to follow up with. It was temporary each time and didn’t see to correlate with anything that would be happening at the time.
Not long after that, I’d begun having chest pains. Basically it was as if an anvil was sitting on my chest. Just a heaviness. Again, I’d tell my mom and being so young, it certainly didn’t seem anything medically would be wrong. So we would try different remedies and eventually it would pass. Sometimes a few minutes, other times a few hours. None of it was alarming, until one night…
I’d woken up with chest pain. It felt like there was a monster hand around my heart and it was squeezing it. I was certain I was having a heart attack. But it couldn’t be…I was way too young. I’d been struggling to breathe. Imagine needing air but your mouth and nose are covered in layers of cheesecloth. The pain was so bad that I’d gone to wake my mom. She couldn’t calm me and even when she stated about going to the hospital, I’d welcomed it. I was scared out of my mind.
Time is ticking away. I’m in the waiting room. I’m sweating. My chest hurts. My hands were numb. I can’t breathe. I can breathe, but it’s a freaking challenge to get air. I don’t know how long we waited, but eventually my mom went to the desk demanding I be seen. My face was asleep. I just wanted air.
After a series of questions, exams, x rays and tests, they came back in with an x ray of my lungs. The films weren’t clear as I’d been hyperventilating. I’m suffocating myself.
I’m feeling on the verge of death and the doctor hands me a brown bag to breathe into.
I was so far gone that I was unable to breathe with any kind of control. I’d gotten a valium or something that night and the doctor gave me a supply of brown bags to take home with some instructions. When I feel any symptoms, start to breathe into the bag.
I clearly have heart issues, but you want me to breathe into a lunch sack?! This guy was nuts.
Turns out, I was. Still am.
Gym Girl Dana 