Two studios newly opened within a year of each other, one studio established and now talking about expanding our territory into PA. This is exciting stuff!
During such a professionally successful time, I’m quietly ending a long term relationship, selling a home I’d worked so hard to purchase and relocating to live on my own for the first time in a very long time. I’m already overweight from where I’d been, already unfit from what I’d been doing, and now my life is in a serious upheaval. Everyone handles stress differently; I eat.
My son is a successful full time student in PSU. With the help of my family and support of my owners/partners, I’d packed and moved and unpacked in just a few days. I’d sent photos of the move to my son, Shane, and hoped he would be more excited than disappointed in what was happening. He was. He’d gone apartment hunting with me while on a break from school and was excited for this next chapter. (If you’re a parent, you know that the nagging guilt about nearly every decision you make can be suffocating. Sometimes these kids learn from us and say one thing but feel another…I was hoping this wasn’t the case.) I felt badly that he’d left one home and had to come back to another; but that’s the beauty of our relationship. A home is where you are. The house is just a structure. We were (and still are) so happy in our place.
I’d began drinking. Often.
The girls nights at my place were (and still are) amazingly filled with tear filled laughter, deep hearted conversation and big picture planning. I’ve had a lot of very raw conversations at my table and a lot of absolute hilarity on my couches. Not all of them included drinking, but many. And rarely is it ‘just one’.
I’m compulsive. I do everything to an extreme. So when I’d decided on several occasions to not drink, these dry spells went on for years at a time. None of them I’ve regretted. No hang overs, saved money, slept better, owned every decision and so on. Why drink then after so many successful years of sobriety? Good question. One I don’t have the answer to just yet.
My neighbors and I had people over every Saturday night from Memorial Day to Labor day. Food, drinks, friends and fire pits. It’s been some of the best Summer nights I’ve had a in long time. There’s a price that comes with that however, and one I’d paid by hiding in my clothes. I’ve spend two summers now avoiding the beach and declining invites to pool parties. I’ve not worn a bathing suit and my tan lines are based around my 3/4 length lulu pants and my tank tops. Did you see that? TWO summers! WTF?! The first summer wasn’t enough to motivate me so I would waste another summer by repeating the behavior. This shows how dark things were inside of my own head.
I’d tell my clients, “if you want to eat something so badly, get naked in front of a mirror. If you are happy with your reflection, then eat it. Enjoy.” Most people the mirror is their enemy when you are trying to lose weight. I’m the same. I’d get in front of that mirror, give myself the finger and just eat. I didn’t care anymore.
But, I totally did care.
It was a vicious cycle.
I was alone. I was feeling like a failure on so many levels. I was scared. I was frustrated and I was a ferocious force of positivity for so many while I couldn’t convince myself I was worthy.
Can you imagine?
Gym Girl Dana 