Couldn’t even blame the dryer for my clothes shrinking; I hang dry the majority of my stuff. I’d had no one and nothing to blame but myself.

Even though I’d tried.

Blamed the long hours at work. Blamed the one sided relationship I was in. Blamed the stress. Blamed the expectations. Blamed the new aches and pains. Age. Metabolism. Environment. Blamed basically anything and everything I could, but in the end every decision was mine. Every single one was of my own doing and until I admitted that to myself, I’d continue in this cycle of bullshit.

It had been years of over training, under eating and high stress. I’d spend my life trying every diet and toying with supplements. It was years of over training through physically teaching up to 20 fitness classes per week at one point, in addition to my own workouts (?!?! really?!). Oh, and the cleanses…loved that lemonade cleanse. I’d go for days of having nothing but water, cayanne pepper and maple syrup. This seemed like such a good idea at the time. I’d had great success with Isagenix and was actually at my leanest at one point with it; however, I was cleansing every weekend of every month for several months straight. Gluten free, sugar free, alcohol free, dairy free and packaged food free other than the Isa. My caloric intake versus my outtake was cavernous. Yet, I’d felt amazing.

I’d had years of discipline. Motivation is what gets you going, it’s the discipline that keeps you going…Will Power was my best friend. I could turn down any temptation. Nothing would intercept my laser focus. Until something did.

So what happened?

I’m not sure where it all went wrong. But wrong it went.

I’d had success with work, but that did come with tremendous stress. The pressure I’d put upon myself to exceed all expectations was immense. More members, more revenue, more reviews, more studios, more talent, more accolades, more opportunities….I’d wanted it all. And as the saying goes, “you can’t chase two rabbits and catch either one“. I was doing my best to grab any success and hang on to my fitness. But the truth is, I’d had fitness, and I’d wanted this success more…and again, that led to making excuses that I’d accepted for myself.

This went on for years.