Every day nothing seems to change, but then one day you wake up and everything is different.

I had convinced myself that I needed sleep. I had excused myself from my workouts. I’d forgiven myself for not being prepared and I’d justified all of my choices. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there, no? Hell, until recently I’ve been there still.

I look back when I’d complained ‘I was fat’ and damn, I’d give anything to be there again. Truth is none of us are fat. We have fat. That’s the difference. We all have fingernails, but we don’t make those our identity by screaming “I AM FINGERNAILS!” So let’s stop right here a minute and acknowledge that we aren’t fat, but we have fat and it doesn’t identify us without our permission. Being my body was my business card for so many years, that was my identity. That was my success. Now it’s slipping away and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings and once again just chose to stay focused on my career. After all, my career was my future and my security and my success now in so many ways…so what if I’m not as lean? So what if I’m no longer an athlete? Does it matter I’m not 10% body fat any more? Does it make me less successful to not be a competitor? Who really cares?!

Well, I did. A lot. But I’d kept that to myself and continued to eat my feelings.

Now, be fair. Let’s not get all judgey. Through the years of my personal training career, not only was I judged on my looks, but I was misjudged by nearly everyone about my attitude and what I must think of them. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I wouldn’t and still don’t pre judge, as you never know what else is going on with a person. I thought I understood it well then, however, today it resonates even deeper. Now, you tell me what you want and your level of commitment and then continue to excuse why you can’t….well, that’s another story. And one that today I get and I have been telling myself for years… All of this preamble was to say that I understand that people look at me and not everyone sees fat. However, for myself, I’m wildly uncomfortable today compared to where I’ve been; and it’s been this way for years. I’ve faced challenges I wasn’t prepared for and fallen so far from where I’d been. Not gracefully either.

Secretly, I’d wanted to make changes. I’d not say anything publicly because what if I’d failed? I wasn’t comfortable with this new me. I missed the old me. The one that could wear anything and feel confident. The one that didn’t see cellulite and skin dimples. The girl that could run without getting winded for several miles. The girl that appeared unstoppable.

Instead, I was someone that was so wrapped up in where I was that I couldn’t get out of my own way to become whom I wanted to again. I’d get on the treadmill to workout out during an OTF class and being so slow and so winded during an effort, I’d actually begin to cry. Sometimes I’d continue, most times I’d get off and go to the bathroom to pull myself together. I’d watch my heart rate sit in the red zone and watch how slowly it took me to recover. And then I’d quit and avoid taking class for a few days, hell, maybe longer, and be so disappointed in myself that I’ve let myself go so far that it seemed nearly impossible to begin again.

Sound familiar?